All this time
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: (anime) The Colonel is waiting for Edward in a train station.


**Fandom: Full Metal Alchemist  
Title: All this time.  
Pairing: Roy + Edward  
Rating: PG  
Description: The Colonel is waiting for Edward in a train station.**

**Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist isn****'****t mine.**

**All this time.  
By miyamoto yui  
**

It is a strange thing to think, suddenly, when a melody is playing in your ears and people are pushing to get to the eventually-opening doors of the train in order to exit, I thought, "We are such funny creatures. We keep thinking there's somewhere to go to when there really isn't. We think we're moving when all we're doing is going 'round and round'."

I too pushed through this crowd trying my best to live. I hate doing that though, but my courage to get through is the only thing that makes me go anywhere.  
I have to get out. I have to get to where I'm going. Is life likened to a train station? We keep on leaving and coming to the same places, but in actuality, we've changed every time we've drifted away.  
I don't think many people think this much and maybe I'm strange to think there's something only I know when all we do is try to find comfort through other means of this pathetic existence. All we really want  
is someone to wave at us and smile and just _be_ there.  
_  
__**Anata ga iru kedo**__**… **_

We all want to find meaning in our little entreaties when communicating with other beings that look identical to us in structure. Are we hypocritical to say that we are no different when all we want to do is to "be different" despite coming into terms with this single, yet true conformity?

_**Kimi ga inai. Kimi mo inai yo**__**. **_

I stare at the faces of people who sit in a busy, well-known train station lobby and I see that we all want to believe there is something to wait for and walk towards at the same time.

_**Demo, yuki ni iku ka? **_

As the snow falls outside of these walls, there are people reading, waiting for their important other (as I am), looking at the ceiling, waiting for luggage, going back home, leaving for a trip, and just feeling the bustle which never seems to stir one's heart. There are children, adults, teens, in-betweeners, females, males, androgynous, and unidentified, "missing" people. I wonder if I can be put into that last category and yet that puts me back to where I started this thought.

_**Yureru namida. **_

And yet, I choose to believe, like a weed, that I can push through all the crap, just to live. To live as if I belong into this place. But where is this place? And where is it I want to head towards while waiting to be guided, if at all? Where is my home? Is it the person I want to become, the person I love most in the  
world, or where I lived and all my memories are locked there? Just as there are many tears, different in shape and formation, they will disappear only to reappear in a way that reflected the last, in a short glimpse. And yet, it is also true and presenting itself to the future.

All I wanted to do was to tell that I wasn't alone. Am I secretly kind because I wanted to understand something that was beyond myself? That is absurd. Because if that is a weak explanation, there really is no point in such a general idealism, is there?

All your life, you go to school while trying to get closer to a goal that must become more and more specific. Ironically, the closer you think that you've come to a better "understanding", is that not the same instance that you think, "I'm confused. I don't know what to do…?"  
And like anyone with a heart (though I like to give the impression that I've dismissed it long ago), I am sincerely afraid of what I've discovered about life and myself. Yet, I have the affinity towards telling no one of my unnamed infliction even though my heart is bleeding inside of me with no one to save me, not even myself.  
_**  
Demo, shinjitai. Ore ni totte, nanika shinjitai.**_

But, who hears me? I've come to that single place I've tried to defend myself against. I've tried to run away from it, but it creeps behind me and passionately embraces me, raping me little by little of my humanity; only to overflow with even more emotions and to be identified more with that exacting, yet hope-filled word called "human".  
This is more than loneliness.  
It is a fight that must be fought alone. There are times when there is no one and that must be expected.  
After all, we come into the world and leave in this fashion.

Just like a train station platform…

Again, I've come to this place with a single thought in my head. It is distinguishable yet not so uncommon at the same time:

_**"**__**Doushite**__**...**__**Koko ni iru? / Why**__**…**__**am I here?"**_

And so, quietly with dwelling anxiousness, I continue to wait for the one I've come for.

As my blond, golden-eyed vampire emerges bitterly from the group of passerbys, a smile filled with serious and playfulness emerges. While walking out of the train station, he complains of why he has to be here alone with me while I say nothing but watch him carefully with amusement all over my face. I try to cover this blemish of a warm smirk with a white glove over my mouth.  
He notices and pulls on my sleeve. Then, in a single moment, he looks at me with such affection that I feel inwardly helpless towards the person I've tried to protect all this time. I've been trying to protect him from the person I didn't know I was becoming, but I was wrong.

I'm waiting for you. And I've been waiting for myself.

All this time, all this time.  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** I made this while I was waiting for someone. So this pieces seems very urgent, though it brings a lot of issues. There's really nothing except a reflective stance. Lately, I've been doing that a lot more than usual. Hope you're not bored and that you're still getting the richness of emotion and thoughts that I'm trying to convey. Somehow, I've come to some confusion within myself and so my writing is reflecting that.

I thought hard on who I wanted out of this. At first, I thought Hatori, then Seishirou or Fuji Syusuke. Then, I came to Edward. But in the end, I ended up with Colonel Mustang because I thought that showing a side of him that isn't as powerful would balance his character out.

All in all, the piece is supposed to be confusing, yet poetic. I didn't put the translations next to them because 1) I wanted them to be read separately and 2) I wanted to simulate a deepness within the words for those who understood the literal meaning in Japanese yet cause interest/annoyance/reaction from those who don't. And then, both groups come to different conclusions and interpretations of these thoughts. (Yes, you already know I think too much about fanfics…^_^ Well, more for you to read, isn't that correct?)

Translations:  
Anata ga iru kedo… / Even though you are here…

Kimi ga inai. Kimi mo inai yo. / You aren't here. You aren't here~!

Demo, yuki ni iku ka? / But am I heading towards the snow?

Yureru namida. / Wavering tears.

Demo, shinjitai. Ore ni totte, nanika shinjitai. / But I want to believe. For myself, I want to believe in something.

"Doushite...Koko ni iru? / Why…am I here?"

**Saturday, September 4, 2004**


End file.
